Little Red Riding Hood - The Glasgow Version

Little Red Riding Hood was gaily skipping through the forest on her way to visit her grandmother. The early evening sun shone through the leaves and sprinkled golden sunbeams here and there on the undergrowth. As the young girl danced and whistled, her basket of freshly-picked shiny red apples swinging to and fro, a family of squirrels were joined by a number of bunny rabbits as they ran alongside her, stopping and starting as they kept pace with the happy young girl.

As she approached a large oak tree, Little Red Riding Hood suddenly came to a halt. Her small furry companions stopped instantly and stood looking up at her, their whiskers fluttering inquisitively.

“Come out now Mister Wolf. I can see you,” she called.

The Big Bad Wolf stepped out from behind the oak tree and smiled nervously, baring his large, menacing teeth.

“Hllawrerr hen,” he began. “Ah didnae see ye comin. How did ye know ah wiz there?”

“I could see your big long hairy feet sticking out from behind the big oak tree.”

At that, Little Red Riding Hood set off again along the leaf-covered footpath, hotly pursued by her little friends, whose number was increasing as they progressed.

After another few minutes, as she passed a row of bramble bushes, Little Red Riding Hood once again skidded to a halt and stood looking sternly into the darkness.

“I can see you Mister Wolf. Come out here right this minute.”

A red faced Big Bad Wolf slowly emerged from the bushes, again forcing a smile.

“Eh . . . Hullo again lass.”

“I could clearly see your big brown ears sticking up above the bushes, you naughty, naughty Mister Wolf.”

She wagged her finger as she scolded him, before picking up her basket and moving off quickly towards the riverbank with her guard of honour. The young girl sang merrily as she skipped beside the flowing river, the salmon leaping here and there as if to catch a glimpse of the happy scene. As they passed a cave beside the river, Little Red Riding Hood stopped and peered into the darkness. Slowly she stepped forward a few paces, her hand on her heart as she strained her eyes to focus.

“Mister Wolf,” she cried, her voice echoing into the blackness. “I can see the whites of your big eyes shining in the darkness. Come out of there right now Mister Wolf.”

Now it was an angry Big Bad Wolf who emerged from the cave.

“Jist whit the fuck is it wi you?”

“I’m Little Red Riding Hood,” she gasped, stepping back as the rage in his voice shook her to the core.

“And whit the fuck are ye daein aw alane in the wids?”

“Why, I’m on my way to visit with my grandmama.”

“Well, Miss Little Red Riding-fuckin-Hood,” he growled with teeth bared as he moved menacingly towards the girl. “I suggest ye git a bliddy move oan then'n stoap interruptin me. Cos ah’m burstin for a shite!”

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